This happened on Thursday, but it's still upsetting me and making me feel like shit so I'm just gonna copy/paste from Tumblr so I don't have to type it all out again
Tonight, for me, was an eye opener regarding my gender that I had always kind of assumed but was ultimately cemented and brought to attention. This post is from mobile and I can’t be assed in my current state of anxiety to try and figure out how to do a read more so feel free to stop reading now if you’d like.
Where to start with this is kind of hard to pinpoint. I, like a lot of people, grew up as a female with predominantly male friends. It wasnt until mid-middle school that I started hanging out with girls, and even then I always felt more comfortable with my male friends. Being overweight, into video games, and very rough-housy made it even easier to slip under the radar as just one of the guys and I was always happy to be in on the jokes instead of the target of them. That being said, most of the male friends I started making in the later years of Middle School and the early years of Secondary School weren’t quite as quick to stop noticing that I wasnt just another guy. To them I was just a funny chick, which was never really an issue because I was still overweight and not really that pretty so I wasnt considered an ‘attractive’ female and was never their main focuses or crushes; which suited me fine. I started going out with my now-wife and that helped me slide back into pseudo-guy territory. I could joke with them about sexy girls and make innuendo that didn’t come off as weird because I was in the same boat as them.
Tonight, me and my wife went to go hang out with one of these such friends. This friend on particular has always been a nice guy- always funny, rarely lewd or abrasive and is so friendly and loveable he’s even had his name semi-permanently changed to ‘Teddybear’ in our circle of friends. We’d been at his house a couple days ago but weren’t over very long, so we decided we’d go back over today to hang out a bit more.
For whatever reason, tonight I was a girl. I was a prime target for sexual jokes, which played out in him sniffing my hair with his nose pressed against my head, twice, implications of sexual arousal on his part, and crude comments. I already have issues with sexuality as a whole but having it directed at me, relentlessly, from someone I’d assumed thought I was one of the guys was shocking and I didn’t know how to react. As we were getting ready to leave, he suggested a ‘sexy party’ a couple times, laughed it off, and made yet another sexual joke as I was giving him a hug goodbye.
I’ve never left somewhere feeling so violated, embarrassed, and ashamed to be a girl since I was cornered to a Nightclub couch by an old man who then kissed my face and neck, offered me money, and told me I was beautiful until I managed to get security’s attention; where he, thereafter, called me out for getting him kicked out of the bar.
I realized that being seen as a girl, a female to a male, makes me upset. I don’t particularly feel like a boy, but I absolutely don’t feel like a girl.